By Jacqueline Warrell
“You need to find your tribe!”
A friend and mentor said that to me about a year-and-a-half ago. The statement struck a chord with me. It was an inspiration, a spark and a realization of the importance of surrounding oneself with people who are like-minded, who share your values and who make you a better person.
As a women, restaurateur, entrepreneur and academic, I knew these words were true. They came at a serendipitous time when I knew more than ever that I needed to re–find and re–connect with my people. I say re-find and re-connect because I had strong people, friendships and mentors in my life, but some of those relationships had dwindled. I was at a point of significant discovery and change in my career, and I knew I needed to re-build my tribe.
Teaming Up
A tribe cannot consist of just one or two people; a tribe includes many. I have learned that this process of building your tribe needs to be an intentional one. It doesn’t just happen on its own (at least not in my experience). Over the last year and a half, I have made a conscious effort to find my people, connect with my people and invite them to be part of my tribe, which prompted to look inward first at my own tribe. Who was part of it? Who was missing? My reflections affirmed that I had strong people and meaningful relationships, but that I also had some gaps to fill. I began to think about who I wanted to be in my tribe and I started intentionally connecting (and in some cases re-connecting) with these people.
I was recently introduced to the term “ment-working,” a portmanteau acknowledging the blurry line between mentoring and networking. This is how I would describe my process of re-building my tribe over the last year and half. To rebuild, I have needed to get myself out there and meet new people, but also reach out to those already in my network and community. I never thought I would interview a mentor, but I have. Making decisions over coffee or a glass of wine about whether this person should be part of my tribe. Being involved in organizations such as Women Chefs and Restaurateurs has been important. I have experienced WCR as a space for ment-working with other like-minded women, who I hope are also sussing me out to be part of their tribe, too.
Along the way, I have learned the importance of having a tribe with people who can play different roles and offer different advice, support and mentorship. Some of the types of people I have discovered as part of my tribe are listed below. This list is by no means exhaustive. Some people in my tribe play more than one role, others have a more specific purpose. Some positions are still up for grabs, but these are some of my people:
- Cheerleaders: People that can scrape me off the floor, build me up and push me forward to see the possible in what seems impossible.
- Coaches: People with whom I can talk business, share advice, brainstorm and who help me generate concrete ideas, plans and solutions.
- Listeners: People that will listen to whatever I need to talk, vent or share about without judgement.
- Devil’s Advocates: People that aren’t afraid to challenge me, push me outside my comfort zone, invite me to think differently and call me out when I need to be called out.
- Validators: Sometimes I just need someone who will validate me and my work.
- Friends: People who I can talk to about anything, but most importantly we can get together without ever talking about business.
- Mentors: These are special people. We support. We share. We care. We get each other. We are part of each other’s learning. We feel each other’s challenges. We experience each other’s successes.
I want to share some of my experience of the mentors in my tribe. At the time when the idea of “finding my tribe” was offered to me, I was at a place in my career (and still often am) with many mixed emotions — excitement, anxiety, hope, insecurity. And if I were to be honest, I spent a lot of time then feeling lost and lonely, which isn’t new for any woman in the food and beverage industry. The hospitality industry remains largely male-dominated, not just in the number of males working in the field, but in the ingrained macho mentality and culture that persists in many of food and hospitality workplaces. Sometimes, the industry feels like an uneasy and unfamiliar place.
Give and Take
I mentioned that, in addition to being a restaurateur, I’m also an academic. In many ways, the academic world is not that dissimilar to the foodservice industry. It too is male-dominated and can be a lonely place to survive in, and survival as an early career academic often relies on long hours, working exhausted and making a paycheque that seems dismal — all things most women restaurateurs can also relate to. But part of what got me through the early years of my academic career was an amazing person and mentor who created a culture of care for me and who taught me to strive to do the same for others.
Traditionally, we associate words like teacher, coach, expert or guide with a mentor. We also expect mentors to be pillars of wisdom, our cheerleaders, our devil’s advocate and open ear. In my experience, these can be aspects of a mentoring relationships, but for me there is one element that distinguishes a mentor from a teacher, a business coach, or a personal advisor — mutual care.
I have had several significant mentors in my life and as part of my tribe, and those relationships have never been a one-way street. They’re reciprocal, and looking back at some of my most powerful mentoring relationships, I have been both a mentor and a mentee. One of my favourite sayings is, “We are all teachers and learners together.” Phil Collins similarly said, “In learning you will teach, in teaching you will learn” I do not see my mentors as just experts, guides or teachers, but as people I can establish a mutual and genuine relationship of learning, support and care, with particular emphasis on the latter. For me it’s what sets mentors apart from other people in my tribe. Care focusses on the person and the relationship.
Unfortunately, a culture of care has not been my experience of the norm in the food and beverage industry, but I see this shift happening. A shift towards being accepting of new ways of knowing and being inside and outside kitchens, restaurant floors and catering rooms that no longer accept the shouted “yes, chef!” mentality. A culture of care shifts the focus to the people and the relationships within the workplace and not the business, the menus, the food or the egos. My mentors have helped me see this, experience this and, hopefully, pass it on.
My mentors are only one part of my tribe, but a powerful part. I hope for some of you reading this that these words and my reflections also come at a serendipitous time. Find your people! Build your tribe — re-build it! Ment-work! And while you do, never forget to nurture meaningful relationships of care.
